I’m a weirdo. It started at an early age. There are many aspects that make up my weirdo status. It’s not so much weird as it is the acceptance that I am a proud walking set of contradictions, perfect imperfections and complexities. So many of us try to hide from our complexities or shield them from those around us so that they are more comfortable. One would think after a certain age we become too grown to play “societal charades”. It is very much not so
I recently found out that, once again, my weirdo status caused someone to make assumptions about me (and even make decisions for me based on the assumptions). I think about how I came to be the me that I have become. I suppose it’s been caused by any number of my life experiences. We all are a product of our particular life files, right? I started off life by never wanting to get in trouble. I never wanted my parents to be angry at me. I never wanted to do the wrong thing. I never wanted to make mistakes. This then extended to the world. I only wanted people to like me. I only wanted to be understood as a good person with a great heart. It bothered me if I thought that people were interpreting who I was in a way that was different than how I perceived myself. I had a case of giving too many F%$&s about what other people would think. I like helping others. This remains to be true. However, with maturity comes a self-awareness that shifts the way in which I go about things. I stopped trying to “get straight A’s” from every single person I met. I was fresh outta f%$&s to give. Fresh out!
I had a best friend once that was very forceful when it came to getting her own way. Me being a person who always wanted things to stay on a happy vibe, I would often just go with her flow. This worked out amazingly excellent for her. There were peaceful and fun times had among us. However, sometimes in the midst of our fun times, I’d be miserable. There were times where I went along with things that I didn’t feel like going with. It took quite a bit of work on myself to get to the point of saying no if I wasn’t into doing something. I spent way too many years doing what would make other people happy. I spent years and years doing what would keep me likable. I see myself as a likable human and I wanted other people to see me this way also. I hid who I really was in favor of favorable facades for the public. Eventually, what happened though was that I found myself holding in resentments for allowing myself to ignore my own truth. It was with this best friend that I got my first practice at defending strange little ole me. I learned through my interactions with her how to push through the uncomfortable feelings I had about causing conflict. I started speaking honestly and directly to other people as well. Like anything, it started getting easier the more I did it.
At present, it is very easy for me to say in a very clear and direct way what is on my mind. It drives me a little crazy inside listening to people talk around a topic or hem and haw while they try to get a point across. It drives me even crazier having to deal with someone who flat out tries to avoid conversations that may be difficult but necessary. Being a fairly direct person is something that people both appreciate and can’t stand about me. This depends on the person and the circumstances of the exchange, of course. Often, I choose silence for the sake of my own peace of mind. There are times where it serves me better to stand off to the side and observe quietly. At all times, whether silent or direct, it is a choice coming from inside myself. We all have to navigate the world that we are in. Many of us have to navigate numerous worlds. The joy of working to get to a place where I am able to make choices for myself is that I get to keep feeling peaceful inside either way. The discomfort that my directness or my silence may cause others is not my work to do.
I recently went to a church service that I absolutely under normal circumstances would not choose to be at. However, my niece wanted me to see her perform as part of the youth day. I went to church. Sat quietly and was polite to everyone that I encountered. I got to see my niece perform. She saw that I was there like I said I would be. I was peace filled in my heart, despite my disdain for this place and the people who run it. I sat in the service sending love vibes out to everyone in the building. Damn my opinions, ultimately, people come here so they can make it through the week or their lives. Hey, life is hard, whatever gets you through… While I make it my business to make choices that are right for myself, I also understand that life isn’t ALL about me. At that moment, the love I have for my niece outweighed the negative feelings I have about church and the Bible, in general, and this church in particular. This is the joy of being a thinking human being. Nothing is black and white. Communication reveals way more than assumptions ever can. If only this person had the courage to have honest conversations with me they would understand this and so much more about me. Honestly, it just felt like a scapegoat, a cowardly way of dealing with the situation. If someone feels ill will towards me, it will be because of the truth not a lie. Happiness is being mature enough to pick your battles.
I am blessed to have found a place as a weirdo among weirdos (I am surrounded by the most talented, quirky and driven creative people ever). However, we still have to navigate in the world at large. I end up in different worlds socially and professionally. I get invited back often, so I must be doing something right. As frustrating as it gets to be constantly judged and misinterpreted, it’s even greater joy to have enough self love to wave my weirdo flag proudly despite it. If you’re out there looking for the perfect mate, maybe look outside your self imposed box. Weirdos can be pretty loveable! If you’re a weirdo and you know It clap your hands *clap, clap*, if you’re a… Wait. Is that weird? Never mind…